mourning

the car is totalled. it's gone. i wish i could have driven it one more time.

it seems so silly, i guess, to be so upset over a car. i wish i could explain how much was wrapped up in that car.

from the moment i started college-searching, my dad told me that he would buy me a car if i got a full ride. so i did. to samford. and i knew exactly what car i wanted: a volkswagen cabrio to ride around in with the wind in my hair.

the day my dad and i picked up the car from the owners was only a week after i had major knee surgery. i was all bandaged up, but i remember smiling so big my face hurt by the time we got home. i was so proud of that car - you would have thought i built the thing myself by hand.



i took my little sister to school in that car the last few weeks of my senior year in high school. henry and i started dating shortly after i got that car. i went off the samford in the fall in that car. it's a very distinctive car - it's bright red. everyone at samford knew it was me when i drove by. in fact, as irony would have it, our insurance agent is the father of two little boys who i babysat for beginning around that time - and they adored my car. their dad hasn't had the heart to tell them about it yet.

the car went to memphis with grace and lauren in tow, and to auburn to visit high school friends on late night trips, and to the beach with dear sweet hilary. its been to atlanta for shows, many times to jackson, tn to visit my older sister when she was in college, and many times to nashville to visit my younger sister. it took my mom and i on a very long journey to and from new orleans, and it took me by myself to visit louisville, ky and beth and drew. if i had a nickel for every trip it made down lakeshore, down university, into the med school parking lot...

here's wishing it could make just one more. it's really really hard for me, right now, to think about it in a junkyard. i have a shoebox full of the things i took out of it: bumper stickers, an air freshener, papers with directions on them... all meaningless, but so full of meaning. i feel so melodramatic, but i can't help it. it's been a pretty consistent and faithful pal through these formative years, and it will be missed dearly.

as if by fortune, coldplay's "fix you" came on toinght while i lay there unable to sleep. i'll be fine - i can be fixed - but i have definitely lost something i can't replace.