25 December 2008

merry christmas... off we go!

henry and i leave for taiwan at 6:55am tomorrow morning. we will meet up with his mom, dad, and brother who left on the same flight two days ago. I AM SO EXCITED! i'm sure there will be much to say about the trip. we'll be staying with family, eating with family, travelling around the country with family... that, and henry & i received a kodak HD pocket video camera for christmas which we will undoubtedly wear out while there. oh man. now all that's left to do is pack my sudoku, ian mcewan, ipod, and restrain my wild squeals of excitement. eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

23 December 2008


in response to everything in the world:

i poured my heart out
it evaporated... see?
-ben folds five

fools will be fools
and wise will be wise
but i will look this world
straight in the eyes
what good is a man
who won't take a stand?
what good is a cynic
with no better plan?
i believe in a better way
-ben harper

why don't the newscasters cry when they read about people who die?
at least they could be decent enough to put just a tear in their eyes
-jack johnson

let's go to the middle
where time stands still
live a little closer to what is true
i'll be me and you be you
-jon mclaughlin

if i possessed all knowledge and if i had such faith that i could move mountains, but didn't love others, i would be nothing. if i gave everything i have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, i could boast about it; but if i didn't love others, i would have gained nothing.
-1 cor. 13:2-3

should i be bold enough to speak in this moment?
-jennifer knapp

hold your own
know your own name
and go your own way
and everything will be fine
-jason mraz

give me love over this.

10 December 2008


"it's an odd thing, though, that there is not much pleasure in the actual recording. although i am aware, distantly, that i often move through scenes of great beauty, i can't feel that as i climb; all is lost in giddiness and headache and the pain of moving my limbs and drawing breath. but a few days after i descend to a lower altitude, when my body has begun to repair itself -- then i look at the notes i made during my hour of misery and find great pleasure in them. it is odd, isn't it? that all one's pleasures here are retrospective; in the moment itself, there is only the moment, and the pain."
Servants of the Map by Andrea Barrett

although Barrett is describing the troubles of a cartographer in the Himalayas, how thoroughly it describes medical school. what a beautiful week of realizations it's been in my special topics course with dr. evans. beautiful.

04 December 2008


one of those days... studying for my hem/onc final tomorrow worth nearly half my grade, and all i can think about is how i am married to my best friend. it kinda makes everything else not matter at all.

in a haze, a stormy haze,
i'll be round, i'll be loving you always, always
here i am and i'll take my time,

here I am and i'll wait in line always, always


02 December 2008

shortcuts can slow you down

december! where did you come from? you are here, and i welcome you most heartily. bring on the cold weather, extra sweaters, Christmas music, twinkling lights, festive air... and lighter load. i know Jesus wasn't really born in december, but it is a beautiful thing to be able to spend the last part of the year in a slower-paced reflective spirit.

i often find myself tangled in a web of memories, especially at this time of year. usually more good than bad, but teeming with the emotion that comes with them. i don't find myself overly emotional, on the contrary, i watch these memories as if i were watching a movie. excuse the blatant cliche (blog name), but for HP fans, it really is like i'm filtering through my pensieve.

it got me thinking today about how much of our life is spent chewing the cud of our memories... mulling over the should-have-beens, the delights, the embarassments, the joys... it made me sad. is this why people cherish childhood so deeply? because everything is so new, innocent, fresh -- there are no memories to ensare us but the ones we make each day? are we, as emerging adults (and older still) wasting our lives re-living them?

i may have discovered my trap. i rearrange furniture as often as possible. i reorganize cupboards, notes, computer files, music, playlists, younameit. i desperately long to travel to new places, and go so far as to find new ways to drive to school. is my unquenchable desire for variety a cry to live life anew? am i running away from what i fear is wasting my life by re-living it? it could be. it probably is. my conception of the length of life has been rocked by what i've learned in medical school. i don't regret this, but i embrace it quite tentatively.

memories are not a waste. they truly are beautiful. but somehow, no matter how great the past, i shed them for life anew. what does this mean? time will tell.

inaudible melodies

serve narrational strategies
unobtrusive tones
help to notice nothing but the zone
of visual relevancy
frame-lines tell me what to see
chopping like an axe and
maybe Eisenstein should just relax

slow down everyone
you're moving too fast
frames can't catch you when
you're moving like that

well Plato's cave is full of freaks
demanding refunds for the things they've seen
i wish they could believe
in all the things that never made the screen
.jack johnson.

25 November 2008

exam tomorrow

but someone isn't interested in letting me study. :)

24 November 2008


it's amazing how quickly time gets away from me and i forget to record my thoughts.

it was a tough weekend for me emotionally, although for no reason outside of myself. i've struggled a lot lately with my attitudes, thoughts, and behaviors towards myself... i truly believe the humbling i've received in medical school has transferred to my own self-image, and i've come out the rougher (but eventually stronger?) for it. it's more readily apparent every day that i'm not perfect, and this permeates my thoughts. i suppose it's not a bad way to live, but it is emotionally draining to believe the worst about myself and know so often it's true. still working on this. healthy doses of encouragement are accepted... i have more than my fill of reality.

when not wallowing in self-pity, i spent time being culinary! on saturday, i woke up early and prepared an amazing pot roast to be cooked all day. carrots, potatoes, two kinds of onions, fresh garlic, lima beans, green peppers... all put together in the slow cooker with a 2lb. cut of beautiful top round beef. ::insert smell-o-vision here:: 8 hours in the slow-cooker, forever in my memory. YUM.

most of the rest of the weekend was devoted to cleaning the apartment and studying for my hematology/oncology exam. this has been an incredibly dreadful thing to do... i find any and everything more interesting than hematology. (sorry, blood, you're just boring.)
talking with classmates, a lot has to do with the quality of lectures this module: subpar. today i actually got called out in class for yawning by the lecturer, who, prior to calling me out, insisted that "all of you with laptops need to stop looking at porn and answer my questions." wow. thanks, UASOM.

anyways, regardless my obligatory bitching, life is great. my sweet kitty woke me up this morning with copious purring and nuzzling, and henry takes care of me better than i do myself. if i could just get past these pesky exams, i could enjoy some turkey... here's to trying! cheers.

15 November 2008


Really enjoyed Quantum of Solace! We saw it last night after eating dinner out and spending some time shopping. All in all, I'm still assessing its quality vs. Casino Royale, but I definitely enjoyed it.

1st week of Hem/Onc was pretty tiring... it's great to know this is only a 3.5 week class.

The sky has managed to turn some shade of bluish-purple tonight; there's a storm brewing! Should be a great night in. Henry and I have our first attempt at home-made chili simmering in the crock pot and a sleep-drunk kitten on our hands. Mmmmm Saturdays... wish they were everyday.

10 November 2008


back to class... on a cold monday morning. fall break was good to me, aside from losing my glasses. i read a book, cleaned the apartment, organized the study, got board review stuff together, etc. henry and i spent two days in chattanooga (a new place for me!) and i felt like a kid the whole time. we went to the aquarium, rode the incline railway, and scaled all the formations at rock city.

after spending so many years away from henry, it is glorious to wake up next to him every morning.

05 November 2008

pages turning.

i would hereby like to flog myself for never having finished reading Atonement long before now. i still haven't seen the movie (movies from books are lame, pssh), but i've read other Ian McEwan, so i should have known this would make me laugh and cry and feel everything in between.

i love reading. i need this sanity that is fall break to remember how to feel.

(and what a night it was last night for remembering how to feel... change has come to America.)

heavenly dark chocolate brownies are rising in the oven in a slippery, red silicone bake pan (finally breaking in a lovely wedding gift). soon this whole place will smell of glorious chocolate... and even so, i will probably be more greedily devouring the last few pages of this book.

04 November 2008

+1 vote.

Democracy ROCKS!

03 November 2008

much-needed break

it's fall break this week, and it's just a glorious time for a break! i'm so thrilled to have some time to let my brain rest in the midst of medical school. i started the week off getting down to business. today, i have spent the day cleaning, vacuuming, rearranging, organizing, sorting, washing dishes, laundry, dusting, scooping litter, scrubbing the bathroom, and straightening up. this apartment will sparkle soon.

i'm excited about the election
tomorrow. i have discovered two wonderful incentives for those wishy-washy voters out there: free Starbucks coffee for voters and free Ben & Jerry's tomorrow. i encourage everyone to spend some time in thought about what is important to them before voting. in the past, i have been a party to voting based on what a pastor, professor, or friend has encouraged me to vote... this year (and from now on), i will vote with my own brain. i have decided to vote for Obama, as i claim a "whole"-life stance rather than a mere "pro-life" stance. the latter is important, but the former is paramount. we can claim as Christians that bringing children into this world is important, but we cannot forget about them once they are here! no, i will not give in to the right-wing hype. and i will not legislate personal convictions, nor do i support a president who would. but i encourage you... no matter what i say... decide what's important to you and vote that way. don't let other people decide your vote!

henry and i enjoyed some time with friends at the med school Halloween party on friday night. i went as the game 'Operation' and henry went as my 'doctor'.

31 October 2008

only thing missing: hot chocolate

chilly mornings listening to norah jones make me long for Christmas.

29 October 2008

prayer for my brothers and sisters

Remind us every day that all we have comes from You.

Our attempts to hold on so tightly to the material things of this world are pointless and irrelevant; the fact that I have this computer to type this is a testament to Your providence, not my own wealth. Help us let go!

When we claim our right to things over the needs of others, we distance ourselves from the example of Your son who we so imperfectly attempt to emulate. Widows, children, medically needy, poor... remind us of the gospels and the life of Jesus. Don't let us be swayed by opinions all-too-loudly-preached (from pulpits).

When we develop a self-righteous morality and attempt to follow it, forgoing the needs of others, we subscribe to legalism. You disdain legalism... you sent Jesus to be crucified as the ultimate sacrifice and freedom from the unattainable goals of a legalistic life.

We are imperfect, Jesus, but don't let us also be misled. Help us cling to You and Your truth. Don't let us become caught up in details that ultimately don't matter... let us live as You did and would.


28 October 2008

better day

cold weather makes me feel alive!

neuro... meh. final exam this week. next week: fall break. come quickly!

27 October 2008

wounds that heal and cracks that fix

look at earth from outer space
everyone must find the place
give me time and give me space

give me real, don't give me fake

give me strength, reserve control

give me heart and give me soul

wounds that heal and cracks that fix

tell me your own politik

open up your eyes
just open up your eyes

and give me love over this


i don't have a lot to say tonight. there are many wisps of thought spinning through my busy brain, but none are formed for outward expression. oftentimes i find a song which resonates with me and is able to offer a clue into these thoughts... tonight, from coldplay.

one word: think. the world of a difference comes from engaging in this verb. i used to believe that over-thinking was a bad habit of mine. yet, as the years have progressed, i have gained more understanding, peace, and freedom from engaging in thought than i can articulate.

when we allow others to dictate what we believe, we lose our identities. the ability to decide what you believe is one of the most beautiful gifts we have... it surprises me over and over how many are willing to easily forfeit this gift. open up your eyes! just open up your eyes.

Lord, give me love over this.