feeling

so there's this relient k song - "this week the trend" - that i think probably sums up the way we all feel a lot of the time. here's a taste:

and this week the trend
was to not wake up till 3pm
i picked the few conscious hours that i chose to spend
and slept away the rest of them

and this week the trend
was to crash and burn and then return again
to practice the life that i pretend
provides enough to get me through the weekend

so i say get me a solution
and watch me run with it
and then you gave me a solution
what have i done with it?
cause i was absolutely sure i had it all figured out way back then
and now it's this minute, this hour, this day

and i just want to get mugged at knifepoint
to get cut enough to wake me up
cause i know that i don't want to die
sitting around watching my life go by
and what we take from this is what we'll get

and we haven't quite figured it out just yet
because all of us are all too stuck
strapped to a chair watching our lives blow up
stuck watching our lives blow up

...wow. it's true, though. what is this thing we call life when we are sitting in a chair, watching and waiting? misery. the singer is begging for something horrible to happen to him, so he can FEEL. so he can live.

i sometimes hear people say things like "life is hard." i often wonder what they mean. getting mugged at knifepoint, at first glance, seems like it would qualify as something that would "make life hard". on the other hand, the passive, numb way of living i've described would also make life hard. if given the choice, knowing life has to be hard, i think many of us prefer the latter because it is safe. we may be numb, but we're not bleeding. in so doing, we miss out extravagantly on the range of emotions we've been created to experience. we miss out on giving and receiving grace. we miss out on mourning and having our joy restored. we miss out on life.

although i didn't specifically ask or sing for it, i was recently "mugged at knifepoint" so to speak. my heart has recently been opened to a range of emotions... and i've let them pour forth. what a painfully human journey it has been and will be. how thankful i am for this opportunity to open my eyes and my heart and get up from my chair.

dear brothers and sister, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. for you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. so let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

[james 1:2-4 nlt]