los necesidades

i have been an intern for a little over a week now, and i've already discovered a few things i'm going to need at the hospital to get me through this year:

1. copious amounts of gatorade
2. Spanish
3. forget about/lose my insecurities
4. Jesus

someone wise once told me that in life, it's imperative to do things so big and important that without the help of Christ i will fail. this person must have had incredible foresight - they were basically describing residency as i've come to understand it.

to be perfectly honesty, it's been brutal so far. not only am i working 13hr days/6 days a week, they are actually overnight. 9pm to 10am. i come in and get handed a list of 40 patients who may or may not be trying to die, and my job is to keep them alive with only a cursory knowledge of what's going on. additionally i admit a patient from the ER who i workup/draw labs/decide on a plan for their care. it is mostly grueling and tedious, although there have been a few moments of joy when i feel like i'm truly helping someone or the team in the morning approves of my decisions. mostly, it's been very isolating and validating to all my insecurities. i'm learning a new hospital system - one where things don't get done when ordered, patient rooms are blocks away, and everyone is busy. it's intern year, right? it's supposed to be like this. i'm excited/apprehensive to see how my feelings will change throughout the year. i'm not going to make it alone. i'm lucky to have henry at my side through it all. i'm ultimately and eternally lucky to have Christ.

i was reminded this morning that one of my coping mechanisms has always been escape through music. an album i'm always going back to: 100 portraits and waterdeep's "enter the worship circle." the songs are based on scripture, mostly hymns. they are incredible feats of percussion - with words of gold. on the subway on the way home this morning, i closed my eyes and felt my spirit lifted with the reminder that the psalmist has been there too - and been rescued.

save me, oh God, for the waters have come up to my neck
i am sinking to the bottom where i cannot stand
i am calling to You, can you hear my cry?

oh my God, You've turned your eyes
And now my heart has come alive

only You have come to find me
only You have come to pull me out
only You have come to save me
only You have come to wrap your arms around me