19 May 2013

disappointments

so i've been sort of down lately.

i think a lot of my sadness is a result of recent events. busy schedule leading to loneliness. scheduling situations at work leaving me feeling left out. inability to follow through with research tasks. failing to get to the gym and plan healthy meals ahead of time. spending precious little time on the phone connecting with long-distance family and friends.

in case you don't know me well, it's abundantly true to most that i have really high expectations. these pertain to both myself (leading to guilt when i don't meet them) and others (leading to frustration when they're not met). sometimes these have been helpful in my life (like, y'know, when they help me get through med school), but most of the time just cause a lot of emotional strife. i think that being intermittently sad and disappointed recently probably stems from this; every once in a while my expectations are actually met which creates all the more angst when the norm is that they are far far far from met.

i had a realization at church tonight: i am ALWAYS going to be sad and disappointed if i continue to allow myself to respond with guilt and frustration to the shortcomings of myself and others. we are all imperfect, and i'm setting myself up for defeat. it seems like a pretty simple statement, but i just sort of got it in a more real way while singing at church tonight:

"and Lord, i know that you are for me
i know that you are for me
i know that you will never forsake me in my weakness
and i know that you have come down

even if to write upon my heart
to remind me who you are"
.kari jobe.

such joy and sense of rest i have in this: you are for me! you are for me! i will never be forsaken, especially not in my weakness. and yes, having this reminder being written on my heart should be a daily thing for me.

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