24

one day soon i'm going to post about something other than my all-consuming job. unfortunately it's just that - nearly all-consuming. and it riddles me with doubt and frustration. there are days i want to quit so badly it hurts. today wasn't one of those days. yesterday was, though.

i'm on night float again - did a week of oncology nights, now i'm on 'variety' which means i'm somewhere different each night. oncology was miserable. cancer can be so terrible. i had to pronounce two people - both of whom i had never met, but still cried with their families. last night i was back in the CCU where i recently rotated, and it was actually sort of fun to have continuity and to have a marginal idea about what i was doing.

i was just riding the train home thinking about how bipolar it feels like my life is right now. a good day/night can make all the difference, where a bad day/night makes me certain i will quit. even so, i keep trucking. it's amazing the endurance, patience, and sheer will-power that is being shaped in me. i don't claim any of it - clearly these are not qualities i've figured out how to acquire on my own.

i hadn't heard this switchfoot song in awhile, but it came up on shuffle just before i hopped off the subway. it's such a powerful song and perfectly expresses the things i can't put into words after a long night at the hospital. i fail - yes - and then try again. every day i find myself as someone different from the day before; everyday life has a new dimension. and all i can sing, over and over, is that i'm not copping out. i'm not. i'm staying the course. sing it for me, switchfoot:

twenty four oceans, twenty four skies
twenty four failures and twenty four tries
twenty four finds me in twenty-fourth place
twenty four drop outs at the end of the day

life is not what i thought it was twenty four hours ago
still i'm singing spirit take me up in arms with you
and i'm not who i thought i was twenty four hours ago
still i'm singing spirit take me up in arms with you

i want to see miracles, see the world change
wrestled the angel, for more than a name
for more than a feeling, for more than a cause
i'm singing spirit take me up in arms with you

and you're raising the dead in me
twenty four voices with twenty four hearts
with all of my symphonies in twenty four parts.
i'm not copping out. not copping out. not copping out.

.switchfoot.

head full of doubt / avett brothers

In the fine print they tell me what’s wrong and what’s right
And it comes in black and it comes in white
And I’m frightened by those that don’t see it

When nothing is owed or deserved or expected
And your life doesn’t change by the man that’s elected
If you’re loved by someone, you’re never rejected
Decide what to be and go be it

There was a dream and one day I could see it
Like a bird in a cage I broke in and demanded that somebody free it
And there was a kid with a head full of doubt
So I’ll scream til I die and the last of those bad thoughts are finally out