sad stories

i am absolutely due for a post about the epic vacation henry and i took last month to barcelona, madeira, the canary islands, and malaga. it was legendary and relaxing. i felt like a normal (okay, extra-rich special normal) person for a little while and had some time to relax and pursue goals which was a rich blessing i can't figure out how to articulate quite yet. more soon. 

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i'm writing today because i had an epiphany, and i often don't know how to express myself fully other than in writing. i am fortunate that despite the 110% of my job that involves face-to-face patient care, i also do a lot of writing (and secretly really enjoy it). it's also dawned on me over the years that i have a hard time opening up to other people in person about things that are really important to me (i seem to have no trouble jabbering endlessly about superficial matters) secondary to my extreme insecurity that i will either be 1. judged, or worse, 2. ignored. writing takes some of this anxiety out of my disclosures and thus here we are. 

"are we killing time while these days unwind?  
we can't see past our own sad stories 
and wonder what we're missing."
.patrick park. from here we are

my epiphany came to me, as many do, through the lyrics of a song blaring through my ear buds through my iphone on the C train to work. i recently heard this song on a pandora station, bookmarked it, later downloaded it, and it came on unexpectedly when i was in a contemplative mood. mr park starts the song in saying: "here we are with burning skin, where we've always been" and goes on to the chorus that i've typed above. although i've thought some permutation of this chorus quite often, i finally GOT IT on the train. 

being busy, being in residency, doing what your version of 'residency' is for you -- it's miserable because you're dog tired and overworked but also because you're missing out on LIVING. it's miserable because it forces you to become painfully selfish and the self who you are focusing so intently on is exhausted and uninteresting. it's circular, nauseating, and painful. you isolate yourself from interesting. you isolate yourself from confidence. you become a slave to your own insecurities and are further driven by them to work harder, all the while isolated from the (relatively) sane world around you. you become isolated from the love you desperately need to both give and receive. at one point in the song:

"we've given new names
to our hopes and our pain
but love just gets harder to find" 

i get glimpses of love and caring at work in the context of my ability to be people's doctor. i find this the redeeming quality of my job and of residency. it's one of the reasons i came to the intense program that i'm in now: i am able to take care of underserved, unloved people who need unconditional care. i recently realized these small glimpses of love make me that much more homesick to return to living in the non-residency, non-busy world and be able to shed the selfishness that i've clung to with this schedule and pour out love on everyone around me and really listen. 

i'm ready to stop singing the chorus of my own sad stories. i do wonder what i'm missing -- and sometimes get a glimpse of it -- and long for it to return. here's to one more year of residency. cheers!

goals

although we're a month into 2013, i've decided it's still a great time to publicly proclaim my unattainable and ambitious goals for the year!

a prompt: over the past year and a half during residency and the 4 years preceding that in medical school, i've slacked off in many areas of my life. there's always a push and pull -- in all the years pouring over studies, endless hours at the hospital, agonizing over clinical decisions, i have lost the drive to really take care of myself properly. this is not to say i haven't showered or changed my underwear regularly, but i truly have gone too long without true self-evaluation. for this reason i sat down with henry and made some goals. we were quite comprehensive in this endeavor, and some goals pertain to our collective finances and the state of our apartment. the rest of the goals we personalized and are mainly within two categories: 1. nutrition/exercise and 2. personal growth. i wanted to share some of these with you both for external accountability and personal reference going forward. ahoy!

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1. nutrition/exercise. 

okay, let's face it: this is the most cliche of all 'new year's resolutions.' even so, i think it's a lot more important than some of us give it credit for, and it's something we should all consider on a much-more-frequently-than-yearly basis. 

as a card-carrying member of the female sex, i have struggled with issues related to diet, exercise and weight for most of my teenage and adult life (damn you, skinny little kid i used to be!). although i would like to say most of these issues were cast on me from society around me, i have clearly internalized them over the years and too often find my waning self-worth (at least from an appearance-perspective) in my inability to reach my own 'ideal' weight. 

now as a budding adult with a working frontal lobe, the importance of this issue has shifted towards healthfulness. over the years, i've established unhealthy eating habits and have not made time to exercise, and as a result, packed on some pounds (especially since i've been married -- what's up with that?). i have made a few feeble attempts to address this issue during the past few busy year, but have generally failed miserably. 

last summer, henry and i decided to really take charge of the exercise aspect. we joined a local gym and paid for several weeks of personal-training sessions. i learned so much and am excited to continue to get my muscles in shape. i'm not a marathon-runner or olympic athlete, but getting the body moving in different ways and toning muscle is a great start. nutrition is the major area in which my goals are focused this year: would love to finally put into practice healthy eating habits that i can maintain and that will help me head gracefully towards a more healthy weight. this has proven tricky with my ridiculous work schedule in the past and will continue to be hard this year, but in being purposeful in making changes, i'm hoping i can be successful. 

2. personal growth

how often have you taken a step back, looked into the mirror, and said (with your best ben stiller in zoolander impression): "who AM i?" i can tell you my answer is not often enough. 

as a child, i was an intensely creative, loud, always-on-the-move creature, causing both my siblings and parents a lot of strife (but i like to think with some joy interspersed!). i created craft projects, read every book in the library, made mix-tapes, played musical instruments (violin, flute), built forts in the woods, wrote extensive short stories and made elaborate scrapbooks, had epic barbie play sessions with my sister, rode bikes, roller-skated, and had an intense love for (depending on the week): ancient egypt, humpback whales, infectious diseases, archeology, american history, early scientists, etc. if you had asked me who i was, i could have proudly declared to you multiple adjectives and activities which identified me. 

now? i'm a medical resident. my routine varies little and changes really depend on the rotation i'm on. there's a tremendous lack of personal growth from activities in which i can explore my own interests and opinions. this is not to say i haven't learned SO MUCH about myself while practicing medicine -- i truly have. however, i have no idea what 'medical resident sharon' likes to do in her free-time, what she thinks about major issues going on in the world (are there major issues going on in the world?) and what activities i might finally pursue when i have the time to do so.

so, accordingly, my goal this year is to explore my own interests in various ways. i have a list of books, movies, and magazines i'd love to dig into. at the prompting of my grandmom, i bought some yarn and a crochet hook and plan to make a gigantic zigzag multi-colored blanket! henry and i received a membership to the metropolitan museum of art for christmas from my dad, and we found a groupon deal for a membership to the natural history museum -- we plan to become quite savvy in the knowledge of art and anthropology. we are actively searching out opportunities to see our favorite bands in concert when they come to NY. ultimately, the plan is to take the short amount of 'free-time' we have each day and use it deliberately towards things that will allow us to grow personally. 

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so here's hoping 2013 will be a year of pursuing goals purposefully -- and becoming a better person both inside and out. looking forward to the journey!

slipped off the blogging wagon again. going to be more intentional in this endeavor.

been thinking about life plans a lot recently and getting stressed out. i know myself to be someone who has to have things figured out months in advance... and although i know what i'm doing for the next year and a half with residency, i'm finally at the point that i have to figure out what i really want to be when i grow up. trying desperately to hang on to the precious moments in the present and not worry about the future too much. trying.

well if you are what you love,
and you do what you love,
i will always be the sun and moon to you.
and if you share with your heart
yeah, you give with your heart, 
what you share with the world is what it keeps of you
-noah and the whale

back in the saddle

so it's been a solid 9 months since i've blogged anything. you can gestate a BABY in that time. holy crap. i'm trying to start writing again both for my sanity and reconnection to the world around me. 

even though it's been 9 months, the time has been a blur. after finishing up a rough stretch last fall, i spent a few months getting my bearings as an intern. i finished out strong on one of our grueling ward services and started my 2nd year on vacation. ::sigh of relief:: henry and i didn't do anything epic for vacation, although i did spend a few days in montreal with him on a business trip and we moved to a new apartment. 

my first true rotation of my 2nd year of residency was 5 weeks of oncology. i sent a huge proportion of my patients to either heaven (they died) or the ICU (they tried to die)-- in both cases spending a lot of time crying. i cried both for the patients' lives and their families' grief, but also for the frustration i felt with a system that often forced me to be the one to discuss with the patient their poor prognosis and impending death. 

i just finished 2.5 weeks of night shift at our allen hospital, a small 3-story community hospital in northern manhattan (inwood). i was THE medicine resident in-house overnight, meaning i admitted medicine patients, acted as the arrest resident, and frequently checked on the medicine intern in the ICU. in general, the acuity was less, although i did have several nights in a row with incredibly sick patients requiring ICU care. i had the opportunity to make some really interesting diagnoses. all-in-all, although tiring and annoying to work overnight, the rotation really helped boost my confidence in my ability to function as a resident.

a few things that have changed over the past few months that you can expect to hear more about: living at a new apartment that stretches our creativity in space/function, started working out with a trainer to get in shape, and really starting to enjoy iphone photography. 

additionally, just spent the past weekend at a bed and breakfast in provincetown, cape cod with henry for a post-night-shift getaway. here are a few (iphone) pictures from the trip:

a look down an alley on commerical street to the bay

getting ready to board our whale-watching boat

on the shore

buoys by the bay


















the cape by twilight

 

paradise found

best january vacation EVER: 7-day caribbean cruise. here's a small taste:


(st. maarten)


(the bahamas)


(best picture of the trip - parasailing)

here's to a great 2012!

restart

yesterday was my last day in the medical ICU and of course i was on call. i got an admission to rule them all - with everything wrong that could possibly go wrong. it's been a long, grueling month and i've been desperate for a minute to breathe. this month - more than any prior - i've been leaning on my fellow interns. spending 80+ hours a week desperately trying to bring lives back from the downward death spiral of the ICU... grappling with the suddenness of it all with families... finding no time to process what became known only as "the shit show"... despite our meager efforts in the precious few moments to ourselves to pull it together, we all reached our respective breaking points. even so, the shared experience of it all brought us together like nothing else i've experienced before.

last night, after i left the hospital at 10pm, i met up with our whole group of residents/interns and spent 4 glorious hours drinking, laughing, and dancing. i was the last one leaving the unit of our team - and when i arrived, i entered to cheers, hugs, and a drink put in my hand. it was the best time i've had in awhile. i was undoubtedly exhilarated to be finished with my ICU duties, but i found myself truly ecstatic to be alive... something i haven't felt much in the past 6 months. what a reflection of my raw human existence and needs that have gone unidentified - needs that were finally met 100-fold last night.

1st day on new service with massive hangover? worth every minute.

i am done with my graceless heart
so tonight i'm gonna cut it out and then restart
and it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
so shake him off, shake it out

.florence and the machine.

fall

took a therapeutic bike ride today through central park. hey new york: you are ridiculously beautiful in the fall. i would have moved here just for this.







and it talks to me in tiptoes
and sings to me inside
it cries out in the darkest night
and breaks in morning light

but with all my education
i can't seem to commend it
and the words are all escaping
and coming back all damaged
and i would put them back in poetry
if i only knew how

all this and heaven too .florence and the machine.